The Ghosts of Failures Past

Current weight: 292.6

Today was a good day, but that was to be expected. Starting a new idea, a new diet, a new program, is invigorating all on its own at first. I eschewed my usual morning cereal for a boiled egg and an orange. It was quick and good, and I didn't feel cheated as I rushed off to start my day. I had a snack rather than lunch, stopping at the grocery store to get an apple and a bit of cheese. I worked out, then came home and had a dinner of chicken breast, green beans, and pasta in parmesan sauce.

The feeling is ultimately more important than the food. But I noticed that I felt good today. Maybe because I felt so little guilt. I was not perfect, but I was good, and that lightened my step. Getting to the gym was a goal achieved, too. I may have hyperextended my left knee a bit on a machine I did not properly adjust, but the pain has already gone and I feel good.

Why can't the good feeling override the irrational submission to temptation when it counts? Why is it that this feeling fades, to be replaced with the thoughts of all of the things I cannot have? It is so frustrating to realize that I have slipped fully off of a program, then even worse to find I don't care enough to get back on track. I have tried before to employ the mantra of the alcohol- and drug-addicted, taking it one day at a time. Somehow, the day always dawns when I don't make the right choice.

A few days ago, I was driving in my car and eating. I had Krystals, fries, and a milkshake. As I ate, savoring the warm, soft bread, a voice in my head spoke up, pointing out that this was a far cry from good for me, and what's more, I had more Krystals than a person should need in one sitting. And with a milkshake besides! Crowned with copious real whipped cream! I kept eating, and tried to ignore the voice. Then it piped up to remind me that I was nearly 300 pounds, that I could not sit in the new hammock we bought with my hubby because I exceeded the weight allowance. This did not sober my sensibilities. I ignored the voice, and it grumbled, then faded. Soon after that, I began to get the idea for this blog. I wanted a chronicle of my successes and failures. I want to identify the patterns I fall prey to and the weaknesses that I seem powerless against. I want to find a way to laugh at this and be happy in it.

I want to find a way to make it stick.