In the beginning...

Current weight: 294 lbs.

Wow, that hurt. Just typing in my real weight makes my fingers twitch above the delete button. You promised yourself honesty. Yeah, but was it supposed to hurt? Was it supposed to feel good?

Feeling good is one of my problems. I have felt good about myself, even though I have been overweight for the last 20 years. And I am not nearly old enough for that to be okay. Not that it should be okay at any time, I guess. But I have a good self-esteem, and I always thought that was a good thing. Now I think that is either a foil, or a crutch.

I have a loving husband and supportive family. I am in a profession I enjoy, one that is active and requires a great deal from me. I am good at what I do. But I could be better. My weight is a billboard of hypocrisy in my profession. I have many friends of all shapes and sizes, and they all say they love me as I am. But they get a bit too excited when I go on a diet or start an exercise program. I have quit announcing these endeavors because I don't want to keep letting them down.

Food is an addiction and a crutch. I am a stress eater. When work gets hectic, I stop off for a snack as I run. I am a boredom eater. Which is the worst because I hardly care what goes into my mouth when I am bored. Also, I just love food. It is a reward, a social event, an art form, a way to please friends and family, a conversation starter. It figures into planning throughout my day. I love pastas and cold cereal. I love mac and cheese. I enjoy the colors and textures of cooking with fresh fruits and veggies. Breads are a huge downfall. I like to bake when I am angry.

Food is a friend who does not care about my best interests. It's increasing my chances for diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, arthritis, chronic pain, and a host of gastrointestinal disorders. How can I continue to love something that is killing me?

Food addiction is not like drug addiction or alcohol addiction, or even sexual addiction. None of those things are required to survive. One cannot quit food cold-turkey. So it simply demands self-discipline in recovery, and that is always the downfall of a recovering addict. Alcoholics cannot sit in bars. Drug addicts don't go to pharm parties. But I still have to eat.

So here I go. I want to try, and I want to talk about trying. I want to see if I can hold myself accountable and make that work. So here goes, world. I will chronicle my weight, food, activity. I will slip up. I will set goals. I will think about the things that make me fat. And I will do it all here.

Come along, if you can handle it.