Current weight: don't know :(
When you are watching what you eat, so much can go wrong. We are truly our own worst enemies, sometimes tripping ourselves up out of weakness. People may scoff, but doughnuts really can talk, and they can be mean little buggers. Along with their friends cake and pie, ice cream, and pizza. We are occasionally helpless to drown out the words they whisper to us, the soothing promises like "one won't hurt!" and "you can exercise a little extra to make up for it!" Make no mistake, these little bastards are more silver-tongued than the worst creature of night ever thought to be. And we are easy prey.
Not every setback on a diet is a product of weakness, though. Life often rears up and plants us on our ass and we are just helpless to fight. This kind of setback can arrest our development in all kinds of endeavors, but it is particularly difficult to accept when we are actually doing something good for ourselves and, miraculously, doing it well. For instance, landing in the hospital for three days. Life really ought to have to ask for permission before throwing up a brick wall like that in the way of personal progress. At first, all seems well, as you sit in a bed and find yourself unable to eat or drink much. You think, I am really gonna lose weight this way!! I oughtta do this more often!! But as the docs start to look for progress, and they hound you to eat, you realize that you are stuck eating the crap that they bring you on the trays, and it's usually pasta or fatty meats, foods high in the protein necessary for healing but loaded with calories.
Now, it is easy to say well, yeah, but you need calories when you are fighting infection and healing. And you'd be right. But, damnit, I was doing well! I was enjoying the knowledge of my own success, however premature! And now they want me to eat pasta and meat and pudding and stuff! I could almost feel the excitement in each of my little fat cells as they anticipated their growth after such lean weeks.
But the mind is a funny little thing. There I sat, worrying about a backslide stemming from a medical situation in my body. Why was I dieting in the first place? For my health. What purpose did that serve if, in a time of need, I denied myself what I needed to get well enough to resume my exercise routines? Well, none. And like a curtain being pulled back, my mind opened up to the possibilities in front of me. I could not control what had happened to my body, but I could control how I responded to it. A day or two of real food was what my body needed, and in the supplying of that need, I might as well enjoy some forbidden foods. For my body's sake, strictly, of course.
Determination is a good thing, and success is a potent drug all in itself, but if I'm trying to do what's best for my body, I cannot ignore a need just because it doesn't fit my plans. Today, I am back on my diet. But yesterday? I called my mom and had her bring me gyros from a local restaurant so we could picnic in my hospital room. It was heavenly.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sharing
I am not one to sit around in a room and "share." I have no interest in sitting around talking about the itemized list of foods I wanted to eat but couldn't, shouldn't have eaten but did, or probably will eat tomorrow. I think that weight loss is a very difficult and very personal experience. (So is weight gain, except for the difficult part!) That being said, I do think there is a benefit in being able to talk over the things we want, the things we fear, the ways we keep ourselves on track. I think that knowing that you are not in fact disrupting your prior existence in a vacuum is a good thing, and we all need a little nudge every once in a while just so we know someone else is in the room, too. Of course, that is true for all kinds of situations in life.
One way I am making myself stick with it is by being creative, as I have said before. I want to share the things I find that work for me, and you can take or leave it (all two? of you) for what it is worth. Like mustard! Oh happy day! I am a budding connoisseur of mustard. It is so low-cal! And it has such an ability to create flavor! I mean, the problem with most low-cal healthy foods is the lack of flavor and variety. Mustard has become my new best bud! I have created a tuna salad variation using spicy brown mustard that I wrap in a low-carb tortilla with lettuce shreds, and I don't feel cheated at all at lunch! I use it on Subway sandwiches when I am eating out to give me some flavor, and I also use their red wine vinegar to keep the sandwich from being too dry. Both are nearly calorie free. I use Dijon mustard on chicken with a sprinkling of parmesan (the kind from the green can) for a light crust, bake it, then broil it to brown it on top, and it is nummy!! I want to start trying it in marinades. Another thing that I have gotten into as a saving grace: while they are not completely cal-free, dry spices are a wonderful way to spice up boring foods without adding oils or calories.
So, let's go around the room, and each of you share something you have found that has become your saving grace. You on the left, you go first.
One way I am making myself stick with it is by being creative, as I have said before. I want to share the things I find that work for me, and you can take or leave it (all two? of you) for what it is worth. Like mustard! Oh happy day! I am a budding connoisseur of mustard. It is so low-cal! And it has such an ability to create flavor! I mean, the problem with most low-cal healthy foods is the lack of flavor and variety. Mustard has become my new best bud! I have created a tuna salad variation using spicy brown mustard that I wrap in a low-carb tortilla with lettuce shreds, and I don't feel cheated at all at lunch! I use it on Subway sandwiches when I am eating out to give me some flavor, and I also use their red wine vinegar to keep the sandwich from being too dry. Both are nearly calorie free. I use Dijon mustard on chicken with a sprinkling of parmesan (the kind from the green can) for a light crust, bake it, then broil it to brown it on top, and it is nummy!! I want to start trying it in marinades. Another thing that I have gotten into as a saving grace: while they are not completely cal-free, dry spices are a wonderful way to spice up boring foods without adding oils or calories.
So, let's go around the room, and each of you share something you have found that has become your saving grace. You on the left, you go first.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Forget "Hungry"
Current weight: 285
Weight Watchers has a new ad campaign that is really cute. In it, hunger is personified by a fuzzy orange guy who might just create some uncomfortable copyright conversations with the Warner Bros. people over their Big Red Monster except that he is small and orange. The idea is that they will help you fight "Hunger." Well, I have some news for the folks at Weight Watchers: hunger is not the problem. If I was only eating because I was hungry, I would not be so fat. Hunger is a physiological response. The problem is psychological. Boredom, stress, obsession, these are the culprits. I can just imagine the cute little guys they'd come up with to represent these and slap around in their commercials.
Stress is a big one for me. I am a huge stress eater, and I have an often-stressful job. One where people tend to drop off goodies all the time for the staff. How am I supposed to defend myself against an onslaught of doughnuts, cookies, cakes, and pizza (a particular downfall)? As Murphy's Law clearly dictates, the minute you go on a diet (or a dietary re-training, as my hubby and I sometimes call it), people will throw free goodies at you and they will open a Dunkin Donuts in your town for the first time in over ten years. No, really, I just discovered that they did open a Dunkin Donuts here, and I am such a sucker for the sugared raised donuts from there. I prefer them to Krispy Kreme. And recently at work there was free pizza for everyone. I actually was good, went off alone to eat lunch, and as fate would have it, there on TV was a luscious Pizza Hut commercial. I felt beset at every turn. But I managed to persevere.
Society is not geared toward being helpful to those of us who need help with our food issues. Try late night TV. Don't the fast food commercials make you wanna grab your keys and drive through the wall in the side of the kitchen at McDonald's so you can bury your face in a basket of fresh fries? Try shopping healthier at the grocery store. You will see a palpable increase in your bill. The high cal foods are cheaper and easier to make and market. Billboards, special occasions, radio programs sponsored by local restaurants, local festivals with funnel cake and greasy food stands... all conspire to remind us of what we are supposed to deny ourselves.
The temptation to stay in doors and sequester yourself from the world is huge! But part of the process is supposed to be learning how to exist in this fatty world, how to find something in yourself that is worth more than that temporary satisfaction of french fries, so that you will be able to maintain once you reach your goal. And I am here to say, it is possible. I have seen it done, though not necessarily easily, by my mother. She still struggles, even though her appetite has whittled itself down to a tiny version of its former self. She loves to tell me that when it comes to ice cream (a weakness of mine also), she figures she might as well just literally rub it on each hip and wear it around, because that is where it will end up. I always laugh, envisioning her with soaking wet vanilla-coated jeans traipsing through the grocery store. Sometimes the image is even disturbing enough to stop me from grabbing the ice cream. But not often.
So what is the answer? Well, we are our own answer. Food is not the enemy, it is our executioner. We are worth more than the McDonald's fries. I can envision how happy I would be being able to shop for clothes in a regular-size section, where they keep the really pretty stuff that I crave, and that makes me feel like I can do this. It is not always the balm to soothe my deprived soul, but it works well enough. I want to be able to breathe better after climbing flights of stairs. I want to not have to worry about the spectre of diabetes that runs in my family. I want to be around long enough to see the next generation take over messing up the world from us. I have much more trouble to cause. And when it comes to self-destruction, I am so capable of doing that in so many better and more fun ways!
Weight Watchers has a new ad campaign that is really cute. In it, hunger is personified by a fuzzy orange guy who might just create some uncomfortable copyright conversations with the Warner Bros. people over their Big Red Monster except that he is small and orange. The idea is that they will help you fight "Hunger." Well, I have some news for the folks at Weight Watchers: hunger is not the problem. If I was only eating because I was hungry, I would not be so fat. Hunger is a physiological response. The problem is psychological. Boredom, stress, obsession, these are the culprits. I can just imagine the cute little guys they'd come up with to represent these and slap around in their commercials.
Stress is a big one for me. I am a huge stress eater, and I have an often-stressful job. One where people tend to drop off goodies all the time for the staff. How am I supposed to defend myself against an onslaught of doughnuts, cookies, cakes, and pizza (a particular downfall)? As Murphy's Law clearly dictates, the minute you go on a diet (or a dietary re-training, as my hubby and I sometimes call it), people will throw free goodies at you and they will open a Dunkin Donuts in your town for the first time in over ten years. No, really, I just discovered that they did open a Dunkin Donuts here, and I am such a sucker for the sugared raised donuts from there. I prefer them to Krispy Kreme. And recently at work there was free pizza for everyone. I actually was good, went off alone to eat lunch, and as fate would have it, there on TV was a luscious Pizza Hut commercial. I felt beset at every turn. But I managed to persevere.
Society is not geared toward being helpful to those of us who need help with our food issues. Try late night TV. Don't the fast food commercials make you wanna grab your keys and drive through the wall in the side of the kitchen at McDonald's so you can bury your face in a basket of fresh fries? Try shopping healthier at the grocery store. You will see a palpable increase in your bill. The high cal foods are cheaper and easier to make and market. Billboards, special occasions, radio programs sponsored by local restaurants, local festivals with funnel cake and greasy food stands... all conspire to remind us of what we are supposed to deny ourselves.
The temptation to stay in doors and sequester yourself from the world is huge! But part of the process is supposed to be learning how to exist in this fatty world, how to find something in yourself that is worth more than that temporary satisfaction of french fries, so that you will be able to maintain once you reach your goal. And I am here to say, it is possible. I have seen it done, though not necessarily easily, by my mother. She still struggles, even though her appetite has whittled itself down to a tiny version of its former self. She loves to tell me that when it comes to ice cream (a weakness of mine also), she figures she might as well just literally rub it on each hip and wear it around, because that is where it will end up. I always laugh, envisioning her with soaking wet vanilla-coated jeans traipsing through the grocery store. Sometimes the image is even disturbing enough to stop me from grabbing the ice cream. But not often.
So what is the answer? Well, we are our own answer. Food is not the enemy, it is our executioner. We are worth more than the McDonald's fries. I can envision how happy I would be being able to shop for clothes in a regular-size section, where they keep the really pretty stuff that I crave, and that makes me feel like I can do this. It is not always the balm to soothe my deprived soul, but it works well enough. I want to be able to breathe better after climbing flights of stairs. I want to not have to worry about the spectre of diabetes that runs in my family. I want to be around long enough to see the next generation take over messing up the world from us. I have much more trouble to cause. And when it comes to self-destruction, I am so capable of doing that in so many better and more fun ways!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Second Verse, Same as the First!!
So, here we go again. I didn't gain any weight in the interim here, miraculous enough because of the holidays and the stress of personal stuff, but I did fall off of the wagon. This is something that seems to just go along with this endeavor - slip ups that sometimes take much time to recover from. But the new year was my deadline. It is not a resolution, because I don't much believe in them and feel that anything you want to do, you do, whether or not it is a proscribed time to announce your intentions. I am simply intent upon doing something that needs to be done, and having it happen now.
Current weight: 287lbs.
That is after a week of my resurgence into this. I have started watching my calories again, and my gym membership is getting a workout. I am starting off easy, I guess, with just some low-rep weight-lifting and elliptical sessions. But I am doing them as often as possible, which so far has managed to be four times in a week. There is no reason why it cannot continue. So away we go.
I find that one of the keys to watching calories for someone who thinks about food frequently is to present a creative problem to solve, involving food, and allow that to be the aspect that consumes thoughts. So I am learning to cook fish. I have not previously cooked fish, and have wanted to for some time, so I am looking at several recipes to see ways in which fish preparation is handled, what types of seasonings seem preferred, and what kinds of fish are which. Funny part of this is I live in an area where obtaining really fresh fish is a snap, so you would think I would have done this long ago. But my family was a red-meat tribe, as is my hubby's, so even introducing more poultry has proven to be a fight. I love seafood, however, and am enjoying teaching myself how to handle fish. I made some tilapia last week for the hubby and me, and it turned out well. It was not a complicated dish, by any means. I think the fish could have been a bit less... soggy, but he was gracious enough not to mention it, and I was hungry enough not to care. I will get there.
Another challenge I have specifically issued myself is to increase my intake of fresh fruits and veggies. That is going to require some expansion of produce horizons, because woman cannot exist on baby carrots and red delicious apples alone. Well, maybe she could, but she prefers variety, and that is just setting herself up for failure. So I have befriended the mango, and been lucky enough to find some accommodating cantaloupes, and am eyeing the pomegranates, waiting to get my nerve up to try them. Maybe papaya, as well. Also, I must watch out for seeds because of my own internal limitations, so this fresh produce mission has me preoccupied as well, which is always a good thing. If you are gonna obsess about food, let it be in a productive way, I say.
So I am on a great track right now. Slowly replacing the bad foods in my fridge and pantry with ones I am allowed to have. Who knows? I may end up actually being healthy at the end of this. I have also found a handy little tool, a calorie counting website called, predictably, caloriecount.about.com. I can plug in the foods I eat through the day, any exercise I do, and it will generate reports about my dietary intake, including letter grades for how nourishing the food is and guidelines for healthier eating. I also can track my weight and my goals for weight loss, and it makes little graphs to please the visual stimulatory centers of the brain. Handy, and easy, and useful. So there we go.
So, I have my feet planted, a sound strategy, and tools to help me get where I wanna go. Time to run with it.
Current weight: 287lbs.
That is after a week of my resurgence into this. I have started watching my calories again, and my gym membership is getting a workout. I am starting off easy, I guess, with just some low-rep weight-lifting and elliptical sessions. But I am doing them as often as possible, which so far has managed to be four times in a week. There is no reason why it cannot continue. So away we go.
I find that one of the keys to watching calories for someone who thinks about food frequently is to present a creative problem to solve, involving food, and allow that to be the aspect that consumes thoughts. So I am learning to cook fish. I have not previously cooked fish, and have wanted to for some time, so I am looking at several recipes to see ways in which fish preparation is handled, what types of seasonings seem preferred, and what kinds of fish are which. Funny part of this is I live in an area where obtaining really fresh fish is a snap, so you would think I would have done this long ago. But my family was a red-meat tribe, as is my hubby's, so even introducing more poultry has proven to be a fight. I love seafood, however, and am enjoying teaching myself how to handle fish. I made some tilapia last week for the hubby and me, and it turned out well. It was not a complicated dish, by any means. I think the fish could have been a bit less... soggy, but he was gracious enough not to mention it, and I was hungry enough not to care. I will get there.
Another challenge I have specifically issued myself is to increase my intake of fresh fruits and veggies. That is going to require some expansion of produce horizons, because woman cannot exist on baby carrots and red delicious apples alone. Well, maybe she could, but she prefers variety, and that is just setting herself up for failure. So I have befriended the mango, and been lucky enough to find some accommodating cantaloupes, and am eyeing the pomegranates, waiting to get my nerve up to try them. Maybe papaya, as well. Also, I must watch out for seeds because of my own internal limitations, so this fresh produce mission has me preoccupied as well, which is always a good thing. If you are gonna obsess about food, let it be in a productive way, I say.
So I am on a great track right now. Slowly replacing the bad foods in my fridge and pantry with ones I am allowed to have. Who knows? I may end up actually being healthy at the end of this. I have also found a handy little tool, a calorie counting website called, predictably, caloriecount.about.com. I can plug in the foods I eat through the day, any exercise I do, and it will generate reports about my dietary intake, including letter grades for how nourishing the food is and guidelines for healthier eating. I also can track my weight and my goals for weight loss, and it makes little graphs to please the visual stimulatory centers of the brain. Handy, and easy, and useful. So there we go.
So, I have my feet planted, a sound strategy, and tools to help me get where I wanna go. Time to run with it.
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