Falling off

There's usually some attempt at a justification, some reason thrust forward in defense of oneself that is used to ward off the perceived accusations and hide the self-loathing within. As part of the justification, often we say we are still being good, just not as good. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. Falling off of a diet creates an internal maelstrom that can bring self-persecution to new heights until you find yourself sitting in a pile of empty donut cartons and french fry containers, growling, and blaming the diet for making you this crazy in the first place, for making you hate yourself so much that you have no choice but to eat.

It is a sad, scary, and evil cycle.

I fell off because I went into the hospital twice last month. Really, that was not the reason. Stress was the reason. I mean, I was in the hospital, and my family was having serious problems because of my dad's poor health, and I was losing pay because I was out of work recuperating, and I had to work twice as hard to catch up in school! So much stress! How can anyone stay on a diet when life is like that?

But that is not the reason either.

Why would I fall off of a diet that was working so well? I felt good, I was eating new and exciting foods, I was enjoying seeing the scale dip with every new weigh-in, and I could actually see the beginning of a change that would help me in every conceivable way.

The truth is, I was secretly waiting for an excuse. I just needed a big enough bump in the road to knock me into the Krispy Kreme store near my house. I wanted an excuse to listen to the call of the french fries. I was weak. I was human, but still weak.

I have not regained any weight. That is the good news. I have not reversed too much of the good I did myself (though my stamina at the gym will prove to have suffered when I show my face there again). And I can get back on the wagon.

Every day is a new day. Each new one gives you a chance to start fresh. I will carpe this diem. I will choose myself today. I will get back up and start over. I am ahead of the game, too - I know that what I was doing was working.

I just need to do it some more.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Life.

You can't just shut the door and say, "No way! I am trying to do something good for myself and you are gonna come in here and mess it all up!" No amount of leaning on the door or locking the deadbolts is going to keep life out while you are trying to focus on yourself. And the bad influence life exerts on us is stress. And if you are anything like me (and I expect we all have this in common), stress makes for mad dashes to the pantry, the fridge, the grocery store, McDonald's, Marble Slab Creamery, and many other places that you have been successfully avoiding up to that point.

If only we could keep the door shut. Isolate ourselves, then emerge several months later as from a cocoon, glowing with the confidence of our transformation like some starlet in a hollywood flick about how much better life is for cute skinny blonde girls. Real life sucks. And it loves to dump its suckage right on our front steps.

I wish I had some grand advice on how to handle the desire to stress eat. I succumb to it, even as my internal mom-voice is telling me how well I have been doing, and how much weight I have lost, and how this is going to ruin everything!!! The fact of the matter is, the only potential solution is to reach for veggies or fruits in quantity and try not to focus on the fact that they taste nothing like ice cream, potato chips, or french fries. Just keep telling yourself that if you can think hard enough to remind yourself of that, you are not worrying hard enough. Of course, if we had this much self-control, we would be lounging by a pool somewhere in a bikini instead of having a stress eating crisis.

Life is not going to stop knocking. It will not be ignored, and cannot be shut out. It will happen. And so will slip ups. This is hard work, and if anyone made it seem otherwise, they were trying to get money from you!!! This is like a 12-step program, where you take it day by day.

The important thing to keep in mind is that if you slip, you start again. Don't dive headlong into the bag of Doritos because you already blew the diet for the day. Just have a few, forgive yourself, and get up tomorrow ready to hit the fruits and veggies again. Self-flagellation will accomplish nothing except adding to your stress level. It is a self-propagating cycle. Just let it go. If you let life in and work on yourself anyway, pretty soon you'll get a handle on your reaction, which is all you can really control, after all. So concentrate on yourself, and forgive yourself.