There's usually some attempt at a justification, some reason thrust forward in defense of oneself that is used to ward off the perceived accusations and hide the self-loathing within. As part of the justification, often we say we are still being good, just not as good. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. Falling off of a diet creates an internal maelstrom that can bring self-persecution to new heights until you find yourself sitting in a pile of empty donut cartons and french fry containers, growling, and blaming the diet for making you this crazy in the first place, for making you hate yourself so much that you have no choice but to eat.
It is a sad, scary, and evil cycle.
I fell off because I went into the hospital twice last month. Really, that was not the reason. Stress was the reason. I mean, I was in the hospital, and my family was having serious problems because of my dad's poor health, and I was losing pay because I was out of work recuperating, and I had to work twice as hard to catch up in school! So much stress! How can anyone stay on a diet when life is like that?
But that is not the reason either.
Why would I fall off of a diet that was working so well? I felt good, I was eating new and exciting foods, I was enjoying seeing the scale dip with every new weigh-in, and I could actually see the beginning of a change that would help me in every conceivable way.
The truth is, I was secretly waiting for an excuse. I just needed a big enough bump in the road to knock me into the Krispy Kreme store near my house. I wanted an excuse to listen to the call of the french fries. I was weak. I was human, but still weak.
I have not regained any weight. That is the good news. I have not reversed too much of the good I did myself (though my stamina at the gym will prove to have suffered when I show my face there again). And I can get back on the wagon.
Every day is a new day. Each new one gives you a chance to start fresh. I will carpe this diem. I will choose myself today. I will get back up and start over. I am ahead of the game, too - I know that what I was doing was working.
I just need to do it some more.
3 comments:
I know it is frustrating, especially with everything going on in your life.
Sometimes, you just have to say, "I choose ME."
So, choose you. YOU are valuable, YOUR life is depending on this, in the long run. And YOU deserve the very, very best care that YOU can provide.
You take care of everyone else with an energy that seems unsustainable. It is time to start expending some of that energy on YOU.
And, in the long run, there will be more of YOU to go around to everyone else who is depending on YOU.
I love YOU.
xoxoxox
You're doing great! I know from experience how difficult it is to fall off the wagon and then get right back on. It's much easier to say, "oh boo hoo, I broke my diet now there's no hope left" and then keep right on enjoying those Krispy Kremes. Although even when I was enjoying the Krispy Kremes the guilt at what I was doing was still eating away at me. *sigh*
Good luck and thanks for being an inspiration!
*gentle prod*
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